From the very start of your project’s public existence, you should maintain a zero-tolerance policy toward rude or insulting behavior in its forums. Zero-tolerance does not mean technical enforcement per se. You don’t have to remove people from the mailing list when they flame another subscriber, or take away their commit access because they made derogatory comments. (In theory, you might eventually have to resort to such actions, but only after all other avenues have failed—which, by definition, isn’t the case at the start of the project.) Zero-tolerance simply means never letting bad behavior slide by unnoticed. For example, when someone posts a technical comment mixed together with an ad hominem attack on some other developer in the project, it is imperative that your response address the ad hominem attack first, as a separate issue unto itself, and only afterward move on to the technical content.

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If you consistently call out bad behavior, but don’t demand an apology or acknowledgment from the offending party, then you leave people free to cool down and show their better side by behaving more decorously next time—and they will. One of the secrets of doing this successfully is to never make the meta-discussion the main topic. It should always be an aside, a brief preface to the main portion of your response. Point out in passing that “we don’t do things that way around here,” but then move on to the real content, so that you’re giving people something on-topic to respond to. If someone protests that they didn’t deserve your rebuke, simply refuse to be drawn into an argument about it. Either don’t respond (if you think they’re just letting off steam and don’t require a response), or say you’re sorry if you overreacted and that it’s hard to detect nuance in email, then get back to the main topic. Never, ever insist on an acknowledgment, whether public or private, from someone that they behaved inappropriately. If they choose of their own volition to post an apology, that’s great, but demanding that they do so will only cause resentment.

The overall goal is to make good etiquette be seen as one of the “in-group” behaviors.

— Karl Fogel, Producing Open Source Software