Church Member Flummoxed By Non-Standard Sermon Application

I’ve been enjoying The Babylon Bee recently. Here’s a submission which apparently did not make the grade over there:

DAYTON, OH—The household of George Arnason, a faithful church member at the Seventh Street Bible Church in Dayton, Ohio, has been reportedly thrown into confusion after a visiting preacher gave a sermon where the application did not involve any exhortations to read the Bible more, pray more or evangelise more.

Sermons at Seventh Street are normally given by Rev. Jeremiah Scholes, who has been the minister for the last 43 years, and has presided over a period of unparalleled stability in the membership and teaching. The trouble arose when Mr Steven Prendeghast, who was asked to speak because he is a candidate for the pastorship when Mr Scholes retires, preached on Matthew 22:36-40, with the controversial application being to “love your neighbour”.

“A passage like that, I’d expect to be a ‘read the Bible more’ passage”, said Mr Arnason. “After all, it does say to love the Lord with all your mind, and it mentions the Law and the Prophets. Those are two parts of the Bible, you know”, he explained helpfully.

Rev. Scholes was unavailable for interview but issued a written statement to the Bee. “At Seventh Street, we are clear on the fundamentals of the faith. All passages of scripture instruct us to either read our Bibles more, pray more, or evangelise more – or even two or three of those things at once, for the really practical passages in Paul’s letters. That’s what our church has been faithfully teaching since 1878 and, God willing, will still be teaching it long after I’ve gone. The elders will be reviewing the cassette of this guest sermon to find out what went wrong.”

Mr Arnason proudly showed off his sermon application calendar. “I bought a three-pack of markers, ” he explained, “and I use this to keep track of what we’re learning. ‘Read the Bible More’ Sundays get coloured in red, ‘Pray More’ Sundays in green, and ‘Evangelise More’ Sundays in blue. Those are the three primary colours, so if the preacher makes more than one application on a given Sunday, I can cope with it by blending.” But the recent sermon has thrown the viability of this scheme into doubt. “Love your neighbour? I don’t have a colour for that,” he said worriedly.

Mr Arnason was last seen getting into his car, reportedly on his way to Staples.

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